Hello I'm a new member :)

[EmBem]

Hi Val,
good for you for keeping the forum fires burning I'm glad to hear you say you got yourself back on track there after a relapse - I'd be interested to hear what you did to help yourself get back on track and how you felt about doing it?

I have had a stressful weekend. This was partly to do with work getting me down, family getting me down and then my period! I have never had such an evil period before in my memory - the whole world was grim and I felt like the most useless, worthless human in existance last Sunday... I knew I was being irrational because I was also feeling angry and sad and kept thinking that one of my closest and most loved friends really hates me and only puts up with me because she pities me - now I have plenty of reasons to believe that this is not the case but I really felt it on Sunday - my heart was breaking, and I felt like none of my other friends or people I work with liked me either and if they really knew me they would be horrified and never want to see me again. Well, I only survived this doomday by journalling - when I was writing this down I knew I wasn't being rational...but sometimes even knowing doesn't help?? All I could do was try not to act on any of these feelings.
I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that on Saturday I did something I have never done before in my life (and I'm nearly into my third decade of existance) and that is... I went shopping and stocked my cupboard with food! (now I just need to get a tin-opener and a cooking pot - seriously - baby steps!!!)
I'm proud that I did this because its a gesture accepting that I am a human being who eats and now I have a store of provisions to last me for the next while.
Shopping for food !!! whoop whoop, I'd been thinking about it for a while and then I just took the opportunity and did it...
But I wonder if part of why I had such a rotten, hate-myself day on Sunday was a reaction to that? like I was secretly trying to knock myself back down to where I think I belong or maybe it was a combination of my period of raging hormones, work being in a difficult place and the co-incidence that my friend was late getting in touch with me (she had a geniune reason though) and also the horrible horrible weather - either way, the whole disastrous day just pointed out to me how I definitely need to work on my self-esteem. I am plagued by an empty sure feeling that I don't belong anywhere...I am trying to live by the theory that we all belong, that we all have an equally valuable and unique role to play but I guess days like that really shake those beliefs about...
hmm anyway - this has been another lengthy post! sorry if its a rambler - sending you wellness xx Em

[valpico]

Hey Em, sorry I didn't get back to you sooner it is just that I thought that there was no people actually reading this so I stopped writting, I'm sorry. I hope you are doing better now your period is probably gone by now which will make things easier...damm hormones, they drive us crazy, I had that feeling too of feeling ugly and not appreciated but always is good to take a few minutes to write every single thought in a piece of paper and then read it, that always helps when you read you suddenly realise how accurate or wrong are your thoughts at that moment...another tool that helped me before is talk to someone, not nessesarily about what is going on with you, maybe you don't want to share that with that person, but you can listen to them, trying to solve a problem or listening to someone else's issues helps to put things in perspective....don't know if I make much sense...
uh also what helped me in numerous ocassions was to tape myself talking about my ideas, it is like wirtting but easier, just use the camera on the laptop find a spot and record my ideas...i hope it helps and I will be checking the message board just in case you write back

Val